Why I Should Watch the News.

Being an eighteen year old delinquent (of sorts), I do not manage to stay at all up to date with global ongoings, or even current events from my own country. I probably should, but never mind. I seem able to trudge through the days just like everyone else, except without knowing the ins and outs of the latest horrific disaster that has happened here or there.

However, when one of those dreary, eventless evenings arrives, the news somehow manages to find me… Infrequent though they may be, my sporadic toe-dippings into the world of international news tend to leave me feeling nothing short of futile – the news makes me feel like a sitting duck, awaiting the fatal crush from the gargantuan, omniscient foot of terrorists; missiles, pirates, vulcans and smarmy news anchors alike.

Last night I realised why I have so skilfully avoided the news for such a time. It must have been my first fall into the depths of the 10 o’clock news for a good couple of months.

A programme finished, and the news followed seamlessly. The BBC news… Even the introductory music is reminiscent of a ticking time bomb.

I didn’t even consider what was to come when the plain faced newsreader appeared in shot. I did not foresee the horrors she would impart. Her sim-like appearance lulled me in: an almost prosthetic shoulder length bob, two eyes glazed over, detached and spectacled… An automatic demeanour, I expected nothing at all sinister… Half expecting an assistant to hurry on any moment and replace her batteries before the next sentence, I was quite looking forward to the remotely controlled demonstration of her playing ping-pong, or traversing an elementary rock climbing wall… Was this it?  Had I tuned into the launch of NewsReader-3000? The autobot we had all been waiting for!

Apparently not. This lady was not quite a robot, although could’ve quite easily passed for one.

All of a sudden, her cut throat utterances became all too real. Her auto tuned articulations modulated from welcoming pleasantries, to some explicit dissonances – the denouncement of scores of deaths, irreparable decays and heartless threats. All of this in her succinct headlining of the woes of our planet at the beginning of the programme, executed though I must say, with flawless objectivity.

The perfect cadence to her harrying diction of course, would have to be a story which entailed the desires of certain Somalian extremists targeting me personally for a pre-meditated attack. NewsReader-3000 detailed that these terror-mongers had become utterly fed up of me, thirsty for my blood and guts and brains. According to some reports, these folk wished sincerely to see my life terminated in an emphatic, explosive crescendo.

My heart plunged into the fears of my stomach. I quivered at the thought of such rogues. I could see them – plotting, mapping, huddled in mobs about the architectural blueprints of my home, calculating the best spot to plant the explosives. Why had they become so set on my demise? Interspersed with footage of my adversaries launching missiles from shoulder set contraptions; emptying cartridges brimming with bullets onto rows of targets of my face, and marching in droves to the rhythm of my downfall, NewsReader-3000 revealed that the lawless Somalians had recruited hoards of British to join their cause. This news hit me really very hard. Never, did I ever sense such mutiny on the horizon! Such insurrectionary bastards! These napkin-faced opponents were sure to be my former friends, colleagues, casual associates…all with the absolute desire to see me in colander form; riddled with bullets, with dismembered limbs, the lot of me, in several pieces-!

Despite my fears, I realised I had at least a warning of the coming of these brutes. I should’ve realised, what with it being almost the end of February…The Newsreader-3000 had become a soothsayer, it wished to warn me…Beware the Ides of March! For it is soon… I do not recall befriending a Cassius, though. What had I done to you, O, 21st Century Somali-Cassius?

After seeking advice from the Ministry of Defence, with enquiries as to where the closest possible underground bunker facility was located (to ensure the safe keeping of my new girlfriend Calpurnia and myself, from the conspirators), I was dismissed in a plume of ridicule.

No Octavius. Mark Antony? Apparently I was around two thousand years late. Not even an underground bunker to save me!

The army-types guffawed in my general direction, for a good five minutes, before the tittering receded, and an officer suggested that I may have taken this news a little too personally. Apparently these extremists had a resentment for the folk of our not-so-green, urban isle in its entirety.

What a relief! Apparently I was no longer Caesar incarnate.

In actual fact, NewsReader-3000 had bizarrely announced that in recent months, the UK has grown to become the ‘Destination of Choice’ for many Somali terrorists-come-holidaymakers.

Destination of choice? Where have these radicals assembled such opinion? Is NewsReader-3000 informing me that these terrorists have managed to swing the leading travel agents towards their revolutionary fervour? Have they given birth to the Heretics’ Travel Bureau? Do they pop in on the off chance, with the intention of discovering the latest hotspot for not acquiring a tan, but a name in martyrdom history, for mercilessly ending the lives of umpteen innocent people?

Now, I do not know a great deal about anything, but I do know that this really does live up to my own name. Absolute, complete, unadulterated rhetoric.

Perhaps I should watch the news more.

34 thoughts on “Why I Should Watch the News.

  1. Very well done Robotic :-) If some of what you say wasn’t, at least partly true, I would be rolling on the floor with laughter.
    However, the story form of your experience watching the news did make me smile, and gave me a couple chuckles.

  2. Right there with you. Sometimes I get so sick of the bad news, I can’t watch for a couple months. Not to mention the politics — it is especially bad now, this being an election year.

    It’s really too bad there is no opposing newscast with stories of the good in people. If there were, I wonder which would have the higher ratings?

  3. It does seem that the British press goes out of its way to lay on the scaremongering and dull and depressing stories. Its like they are trying to influence the mood of the us Brits maybe /tinfoil hat.

      1. Well, twas evil Casca who struck first at Caesar, stabbing him in the neck…Caesar struggled and said, “Damne, Casca, quid agis?” or something along those lines; but when he saw beloved Brutus was coming at him too he pulled his toga over his head, and it was nighty-night for grand old Caesar.

        This has been a boring announcement from your local Latin Snob. ;)

  4. News are headaches to me. I totally snub it as much as I can. To me, it kills brain cells more than blogging. Bwahaha

    And I hate those darn images we supposed to take pity at or be horrified about!

  5. as always, masterful…18yrs old? Really? I too avoid the news. Taking to being God of my own realm. But, a peek at the real world, now and then, is good for the soul. At least if we cannot chance the events, we can make it material for great commentary.

  6. Yeah…I agree with everybody here. News does suck. It’s always bad, and I don’t really need another reason to feel crappy. :) It’s rare when you see a “good” news story. Well done ;)

  7. Are you really 18? In any case, I’m quite impressed with your writing skills! Thanks for following me and see you in the land of the bloggers (ummm, I guess that would be WordPress).

  8. Remarkable writing.

    It would certainly be a strange sensation for me if I wasn’t aware or always searching for awareness in the madness of international politics, but with your writing I can certainly understand how some people would be turned off from it. To make matters worse the media is a circus, and like any other circuses it exists to make money. Unforuntately, it seems like the incessent fearmongering is what our deranged societies want to see and hear…

  9. And the really sad thing is, compared to what passes for national news over here in the States, an American watching the same broadcast would be blown away by how much clearer and focused the presenter was, and how seriously Auntie Beeb treats the audience compared to what we get…

  10. Propaganda it is sometimes called. As long as governments with the help of news media keep a certain amount of fear in people they can secure their seats of ruling the country. Attention is turned from the dirty backyard of cheating and not keeping the economy straight or the neglect of health care, elders, schools etc

    Studies have also showed that people that have a certain amount of fear also spend more money, they buy more things they don’t need as a way of comfort.

    Maybe this is something to think about when watching biased media (all media is biased one direction or the other.

    Instead of being afraid, just look around, go out in your city, neighborhood and talk to people from other countries. You might find they feel exactly the same way you do.You’ll see that most people no matter from which part of the world are not terrorists but ordinary people trying to get their own life in order and just want food, love and other things just like you.They and you want just an ordinary life filled with moments of joy and not fear or terror.

    perfect love

  11. Hi, Robotic Rhetoric. Thanks for signing up for our updates from Rehoboth Ministries. You are always welcome to comment on our site. I (Dana) have immensely enjoyed following your post. Hope you continue writing. What are your plans for the future? Is writing a part of it? Have you ever been to Haiti? Thanks again for signing up! – Dana Adams/Rehoboth Ministries/Cap-Haitian, Haiti

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